I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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