I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
