just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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