so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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