I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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