I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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