Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
