I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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