Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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