unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
