i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
