His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I touched a dick in church today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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