someone threw a dead crab at me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i came on her dog
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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