Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
