we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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