Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
