1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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