someone threw a dead crab at me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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