At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
