We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize