My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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