my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
