I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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