I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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