In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
