cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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