I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
