he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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