i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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