Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
