i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
