This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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