she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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