Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
