Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
