Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
