i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think I am morally bankrupt
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
