well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
