this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
