grandma shit on top of the toilet
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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