What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize