I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
