Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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