I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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