I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
