You can't special order awesome
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
