Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
