I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
