Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
