Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
