Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
