Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
