I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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