That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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