Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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