Can i not drive my cunt home
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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