My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
