I've blown a few things in my day
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
