doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
