So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
