It's like a parade of train wrecks.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
