I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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