what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
