there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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