I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
