my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize