remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
