I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
