Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
